Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My Battle - Part 1

I decided it was time to finally do a blog post about my depression. I had already decided that I was going to express all of my depression related feeling via my twitter page, but a friend's nephew committed suicide last week, and I decided I needed to get it all out in the open so people can understand why I act the way I do sometimes and what kind of help I need from my awesome friends.

I felt depressed for the first time around the time my parents split up and divorced. My freshman and sophmore years of high school were difficult at times. I tried to forget about my stresses and threw myself into my school work, but not before I thought about suicide at least once. I even went so far as to hold a razor blade to my wrist, thinking about ending my misery. My faith was able to help me overcome those dark hours, even though I was not getting the religious support I really needed. I got good grades and was able to forget(push to the back of my brain) most of what was bothering me.

My mom's parents, along with an aunt and uncle, died in a plane crash the first half of my sophmore year. I don't really remember when, but I know it was fairly close to Thanksgiving. And then not too long after my 16th birthday, my paternal grandfather died. My father took my brothers and I to the funeral. It was a rough time to say the least. While we were away at the funeral, my mom invaded what little privacy I thought I had and shared love(EXPLICIT) notes between my boyfriend at that time and I with some friends of hers and my dad's. It pissed me off to no end. It was the final straw, and I moved in with my dad after school was over as my mom and brothers prepared to move to Tennessee.

I loved Texas, and I still do. There's a reason why I kept coming back after spending time in Tennessee. I thought I had a close relationship with the boyfriend I had right before I moved to Tennessee the 2nd time and he moved in with me. He was working, but I was the only one working a full time job and eating any left overs. Our apartment was "broken into" the first week we lived there, so the locks got changed while I was at work. My boyfriend was a VERY heavy sleeper, so I ended up sleeping in my car in the cold(winter time), because he wouldn't answer the dang door. That and him not really helping out with the bills was the final straw. I had to pay the last $1000 of my school tuition, because the money my grandma sent me to pay for school was used for bills. His dad drove up from Texas and moved him back after I kicked him out.

I pretty much gave up on dating then and just concentrated on work and school. I got a D in one of my final classes, but I guess at that school, it was still enough to graduate. It was a hard earned degree and not just anyone could take the classes I did. I had some some wonderful classes, teachers, and classmates. I went to a couple of churches, including the one my mom went to, but none of them felt like "home", so I quit going. 

I moved back to Texas in 2006, and it took a little time to find a job. I also went to various churches on my off days. Some were pretty good, other got way too political behind the pulpit, so I left. I worked as a temp with my dad for several months, until I had issues with one of the regular workers. I don't like putting up with emotional abuse.

I finally found a job working security. It was decent pay and benefits, and I was soon promoted and met Mike. I just saw him as a coworker at first, a good guy. After hanging out a few times and getting to know him, I fell in love with him. He moved in with my dad and I, and I helped support him emotionally and financially through his divorce. I became pregnant with Dianna during that time. We got our own place soon before she was born. Money was tight, but we were happy. The pregnancy was fairly easy, but the c-section delivery was rough on me emotionally and physically. I got the typically baby blues afterwards, but I was able to deal with it. 

To Be Continued.......

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