Tuesday, October 12, 2010

7 Stages of My New Butt

• Stage 1 - Denial - This isn't a new butt. It's the same awesome butt you had the day you got married.
• Stage 2 - Shock - Well, it's technically the same butt, but for some reason it doesn't fit into the pants you wore last year - before you got pregnant. But there's no way your butt could be so drastically altered by having a baby. Could it? OMG!
• Stage 3 - Anger - Fine. It's not the same butt. It has curves and divots and new places that sweat. It follows you wherever you go. Stupid, annoying butt and its stupid, annoying cellulite! Is it possible to get a restraining order to prevent it from stalking you?
• Stage 4 - Depression - No dice. It turns out you can't get a restraining order against your own body. And if you inquire about it people laugh at you. And that makes you cry. As do the elastic-waist pants you just bought, even though you are 9 months postpartum. Those lying liars who said "nine months on, nine months off" must have gotten to keep their original cute butt.
• Stage 5 - Guilt - You are a grown woman. You have a degree. You know that women should be - and are - more than just hot bodies. You know objectification is cruel. You've read the magazine articles that tell you how awesome you are. You created life. And yet…this butt. IT WON'T GO AWAY.
• Stage 6 - Fear - You probably have Flesh Expanding Butt Disease. It's very rare, but it you get FEBD your butt will eventually consume your entire body, preventing you from leading a normal life. There is no cure for this horrible ailment. Best to just go buy a bunch of sweatpants.
• Stage 7 - Acceptance - Right. So it isn't that bad, really. Your new butt does come with some nice features. It's easier to close the car door now. Your kids have something nice to hang on when you're at the grocery store. And your husband likes it. A lot. In fact, your new butt is kind of growing on you...

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